“The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night.” ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
So, I’ve noticed that a few people have arrived here over the last few weeks via Google searches relating to thoughts of suicide.
I always feel a bit weird when these things show up in my stats. I feel like because these people have come to my bit of the internet, presumably looking for help, then I should be actively doing something for them.
But I can’t because we’re on the internet so I can’t see them, or reach them, and in fact they’ve probably gone away again by the time I find out that they were ever here.
I can only hope that something that they found while I was otherwise occupied did them some good.
But thinking back over all the things that I’ve written I’m not entirely sure what would. So I thought that I should write something new, something with those people in mind, so that I feel like I’ve at least tried to do something to help them.
So, what to write?
Well, there doesn’t seem much point in writing a post trying to talk anybody out of it.
There are plenty of those online already.
And, besides, I’ve personally never found a single one of them remotely convincing. I don’t find people trying to argue me out of suicidal thinking in person convincing either. They all inevitably tell me the same things; that I’ll irreparably hurt a lot of people, that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and that the decision to kill yourself isn’t one you should take unless you’re definitely of sound mind, and the fact that you’re contemplating suicide is proof that you most definitely aren’t thinking sanely.
I always find all of these arguments really, really annoying.
Firstly, I’m not anybody’s mother, sister, daughter, or partner, so I don’t have the kind of relationship with anyone that would mean that my dying would leave a unfillable void in their life. I don’t say that in a self-pitying way, it’s just a fact that I’m not, and I wouldn’t. I also don’t have the kind of relationship with anyone that means that they get to expect me to factor them into my major life choices, and whether or not I want to live or die is pretty much a major life choice.
Secondly, anyone who thinks that this problem is temporary really hasn’t been paying attention. I’ve been dealing with this shit for years. It goes away temporarily but it’s going to keep coming back again; I have a permanent disability.
Thirdly, I just flat-out reject the idea that a person can’t possibly make a sane and rational decision to end their own life. Like, you can argue that that’s not what I might be doing, but making a blanket statement that no sane person could possibly decide that they don’t like living and they don’t want to carry on doing it really hurts your argument, because it just makes me think that you’re an idiot. Seriously, have you never considered anybody else’s life experiences outside your own?
And, finally, I tend to find the fact that the best anyone can do is fob me off and/or flat-out lie to me to be one more incentive to just give up. I mean, if there were any genuine reasons why it’s important for me to live then surely people would be able to think of them to tell me them, right?
So, I figured the best thing to do is list all the actual thoughts, things, reasons that have kept from killing myself in the hopes that maybe they’ll strike a cord with someone and they’ll find at least one or two of them that they can relate to their own situation.
Reasons I’ve Kept Going
> Because my best friend had some really important work exams coming up that he’s only able to resit a few times and I didn’t want him to fail them because I’d made him upset.
> Because my friend’s mum had just died and he was in bits and I didn’t want to make him feel any worse.
> Because another friend was as depressed as me, and struggling just as hard to hang on, and I thought that if I hurt myself I might kill her too. I wasn’t bothered about me but I didn’t want to be responsible for anyone else hurting themselves.
> Because I’ve done my homework and I know that it’s actually really, really hard to successfully kill yourself, and I’m pretty inept when it comes to practical things, and I’m terrified that all I’d actually manage to do is really, really hurt myself and then have to carry on living with it.
> Because I don’t want my best friend to have to deal with me physically being there dead.
Whoever you are, wherever you are, what ever situation you might be in, if you kill yourself somebody is going to have to deal with that shit; and notify the people who need to be notified and have you taken to wherever it is that you need to be taken.
Oh, and someone’s going to have to arrange your funeral. And they’re probably going to have to pay for it too. Funerals, as I understand it, are quite expensive.
> Because I don’t want my friends to have to sort through, divvy up, deal with, and dispose of all my stuff. I have a lot of stuff.
> Because some people who I’ve never met, who live on the other side of the world stayed up all night to talk to me to distract me from wanting to hurt myself, which made me look at the world in a whole new way. The internet still blows my mind nearly every day.
> Because I didn’t think anyone would be willing to take in Natalie Portman if I was gone.
> Because my best friend claims that if I kill myself he’ll stop being a doctor and then he’ll have no idea what to do with himself, and because since he’s supported me and looked after me for the best part of a year it’d probably be extremely ungrateful.
> Because of fresh bed linen and homemade roast dinners. Because of perfect writing and beautiful photographs. Because of new stationary. Because of a bag of marshmallows. Because of The West Wing and The Good Wife. Because of the little things that make life just that tiny bit more bearable, because sometimes that’s enough for the time being.
> Because a doctor told me on Monday that he thinks that there is another permanent solution for me and that we’re going to find it for me.
And if none of those work for you then call your best friend, or your mother, or your brother, or your doctor, or whoever it is you normally talk to about stuff and ask them for some better suggestions.
If you’re not already receiving it you probably need some professional medical help, because it’s very likely that you have depression, please make sure that you find this before making any unalterable decisions.