“A person isn’t who they are during the last conversation you had with them – they’re who they’ve been throughout your whole relationship.” ~ Ranier Maria Rilke
Having spent most of the last year watching some of my closest friends mercilessly flogging the dead horses of relationships they should never have been in in the first place I’m here to let you in on a little secret about successful, healthy relationships.
They’re really not that hard.
They really don’t take that much work.
Sure you have to put work into them. A partnership is an active relationship; it takes work and communication to keep things moving, to build a life together, to make sure that you aren’t taking one another for granted. But it isn’t, as so many of the people I see around me seem to believe, meant to be a perpetual uphill battle.
It seems to me that there’s a pernicious cultural idea that relationships are meant to be all about the hard work; and also that love is somehow more valuable if you have to fight for it.
That’s total rubbish.
The value of love, and of loving relationships, is in the happiness and comfort that they bring to the lives of the people who share them. Of course no relationship will be all plain sailing; people fight sometimes, and they go through difficult periods that they need to work through in order to keep things going and to negotiate a way back to something more satisfying and rewarding. But meaningful intimacy isn’t generally forged in ceaseless conflict. If your love and your relationship doesn’t ultimately bring you the feeling that you’re both on the same team; if you’ve never thought of the other person as your partner in crime; if you don’t feel safe in the knowledge that you’re with someone who has your back – then it might be worth questioning what your relationship is actually for. What purpose does it serve? What real benefits is it bringing you?
A relationship isn’t inherently valuable for its own sake. If it doesn’t fulfill the needs of both parties; emotionally, physically, financially, socially – whatever way you’ve chosen to invest in it – then you aren’t getting enough in return for your efforts.
If your relationship isn’t everything that you hoped it would, or believe could, be then you don’t need to blindly keeping ‘working at it’ in the hope that it will all come together. No, what you need to do is to stop working, sit down by yourself, and start thinking.
You need to decide what it is that you want. Beyond ‘this person’, or ‘a person’, or ‘a relationship’ what are the basic things that you need from a partner, and in your partnership, in order to be happy. And when I say you I mean just that. Don’t come to me with ‘I need him/her to see/want/believe X, Y, or Z’. I can’t help you with that, I’m not a mind control expert. What do YOU want?
Once you’ve thought out your list the next thing you need to ask yourself is whether the things on it can realistically be achieved in your current relationship. Are your needs compatible with the basic fundamentals of who your partner is? And do they care enough about you, and about making your relationship work, to work with you to find a way of satisfying those needs?
And do you care enough about them to try to find a way of satisfying their needs? Will it be possible to do this without compromising the basic fundamentals of your own personality?
If the answer to all these questions is ‘Yes’ then fine, by all means work away – although be sure to make sure you communicate all of this to your partner; work is so much easier when you’re both taking direction from the same page.
But otherwise it’s time for you to stop mythologising your ill-fated romance; stop fighting for relationships you don’t truly want to be in; and take yourself out of this situation from which nobody gains. It may be hard to accept but sometimes no amount of work is will ever make something fit – however much you might wish for it – and the kindest thing you can do for yourselves is to quit.
12 thoughts on “Let Me Tell You A Secret About Relationships…”
Oh, gosh, if only I had read this eight months or even a year ago. There was many a conversation I had with friends where I was either trying not to cry or outright sobbing each time asking, “It shouldn’t be this hard, right? So why is it this hard, then?”
The answer, as you know, is no. It shouldn’t be that hard. And in the end, I had to learn that it was hard because we weren’t the right fit for each other and we hadn’t been for some time. 😦
I’m sorry I didn’t write it sooner for you 😦 But at least you learned from it, you’ll know for the future, for yourself or for advising other people. It’s hardest watching the people who don’t learn and so keep putting themselves through the same things.
Brilliant! I absolutely agree with you. We ARE, indeed, inculcated with the Protestant Work Ethic, even in relationships, from the earliest age – and, as you say, hard work cannot change basic incompatibility! Jolly well said!
Thank you 😀
Thank you. I’ve spent so much time arguing about this this week that it’s genuinely reassuring to know it’s not just me who thinks this.
Relationships do take work, but that work shouldn’t be one-sided, nor should it be ruinous to one or both parties. Also, just because one is “in love” doesn’t mean one has to put up with being cheated on, being jerked around, being lied to, etc etc.. Can’t tell you how many times my friends have dismissed my pleas for them to get away from acidic college boyfriends because “you don’t know what it’s like to be in love”
I should get back to them now that I’m in love and tell them “Hey, I’m in a relationship now and I still agree that you shouldn’t have stayed with him after you walked in on him doing lines of coke after telling you he quit, after he called you at 4 am and made you pick him up 2 hours away as a ‘test’, that time he dated that other girl blatantly to make you jealous then tried to date both of you, after he cheated on you and gave you chlamydia, etc etc etc” Woof, can you tell I still have a chip on my shoulder about it!?
I hear you. I did start to write a bit in there about how much a person makes you laugh, or how much you like it when they hug you or tell you they love you, if when they’re not doing that they’re being an abusive scum bag. But that bit just came out basically as ‘GRR ARRGH’. I might have to come back to that idea when I’m less annoyed about it.
are you becoming somewhat cynical? 😀 x
Just a little fed up of people who keep doing the same thing over and over and still somehow expecting things are going to change because they want them to. Is that cynical?
nope definitely not 😀