Mental health, Mental Health & Wellbeing, Working

What-a To Do?

Today was the first day of my phased return to work that I had to work full time hours. Not that any more work got done than when I was on part time hours, what with a fire drill that was swiftly followed by seven of us being stuck in the half metre square lift for a good part of the afternoon.

I was quite surprised that I was the only one who wasn’t at all freaked out at being stuck in the sardine tin. I would have expected that if there was fretting to be done I’d be the first one to panic. Now I come to think of it though I’m also the only one taking enough mood stabilisers to chill out an angry elephant.

One lady, who is heavily pregnant seemed genuinely scared that we’d never make it out again. I had to remind her that if they could rescue the Chilean miners from their collapsed mine there was no way we weren’t being rescued from a poxy lift. As we were, eventually.

The other notable thing that cropped up today was that a vacancy has arisen in another department that would be my dream next job.

This position only comes up once in a blue moon, and it’s the only position I’m going to be able to go for in the foreseeable future due to the hundred and sixty-seven sick days I’ve taken over the last two years. For internal vacancies my company don’t run background checks on current employees other than to make sure you haven’t been the subject of disciplinary or capability proceedings, which I haven’t…yet.

I’m fairly confident that if I applied I could get it. My only worry is, I’m just five minutes into being back working after five months of sick. I’m not one hundred percent recovered yet – I ran away from a friend’s birthday on Saturday after being overcome with paranoia and anxiety. And it would mean moving to London, away from my therapists.

Part of me thinks that I know I’m not ready so I should just leave it. But then there’s another part of me that knows that I’ll kick myself in a few months time when I’m feeling more stable and frustrated at still being in my current role.

I have until Thursday to think about it and decide.


15 thoughts on “What-a To Do?”

  1. Go for it! I believe if things are meant to be they will happen (a bit hippy i know…)
    And if you don’t try you might be forever wondering what if…

    Liking your blog just came across it on the BBN network 🙂


  2. That sounds like a tough decision. Maybe you could talk to your therapists about it to help you decide if you’re ready for it? I hope everything works out!


    1. Thanks 🙂
      I asked my therapist about it, she seemed to think it wasn’t such a great idea, but that’s kind of pushed me to do it. It’s one thing me telling myself I can’t do things, but when other people do it makes me want to go straight out and do the thing they’re telling me I can’t.
      I spoke to the department that has the vacancy and they were pretty encouraging, so I’ll see how it goes.


  3. You should apply. If you are offered the position you can say no but if you don’t apply, you leave yourself no options. Also, if you know anyone in London maybe they could refer you to a therapist. When I moved recently, that’s how I found the excellent doctor I have now. Or maybe your current therapists could refer you.

    I think it’s awesome that you’re not only back at work but interested in all the good things yet to come. I’m not sure what your situation was but when I had a complete and total breakdown and had to take a lot of time off of work because I couldn’t cope, when I did return I was overwhelmed.

    I think you should be really proud of yourself.


    1. Thanks. I’ve been surprised by how smoothly it’s gone to be honest. I wasn’t sure I was up to it, even a few weeks ago if I’d been stuck in a lift I’d have had a meltdown. But everyone’s been really nice and helpful, and they’re easing me in gently. So far so good.
      I think I’m going to go for it. It’s occurred to me that if it doesn’t work out, at least they’ll know that I’m interested. So I could ask to be the contact person with that department and to go on some courses that would help to prepare me for that job in the mean time.


  4. I agree with the RG, go for it… you have nothing to lose. If it really is a “dream job,” then it might be helpful in your recovery. And I’m sure London isn’t lacking in therapists… you could always get some referrals.


      1. Glad to hear you’re gonna give it a shot. Work accounts for so much of our time, if we can do something we enjoy then it feels less like a chore and therefore less draining on morale.


        1. This is true. And I think the fact that my current job isn’t really a challenge anymore, and that I was getting quite bored before I went off, might not have been helpful when I was getting sick in the first place.


  5. I’m so proud of you for staying calm in the lift, even if that serenity was partly medicinal 😉
    And i say, go for the interview, put yourself forward for the job. If you get offered it, and you have doubts, well that’s a great dilemma to have isnt it? and there would be no shame in saying “actually, im not sure i’m ready” if that’s how you really feel when it comes down to it.
    But your confidence and your standing in the company will gain a massive boost from being strong enough to apply so soon after your return. And if you don’t get offered it? well, it was only for the experience of the interview right? you weren’t sure you were going to take it anyway right? So nobody loses, and you win.


    1. Thank you 🙂
      And I think you’re right. About everything. And I’m definitely in need of interview practice, I haven’t done one in nearly four years!
      I asked them for an application, now just have to fill it in 🙂


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