2012: A Pro/Con List

PRO: My mental health. 2012 was the year that I finally sought proper, professional help for the mental health problems that I have suffered for most of my life. I received a diagnosis, so now I know for sure that there is something wrong, it’s not just that I’m wrong as I’d always feared. And I started therapy and medication so I feel like I’m doing something about it.

CON: Also my mental health. When this year began I had finally reached the point where it wasn’t possible for me to ignore my mental health problems any more. They had become life threatening; the first six months of this year where the most terrifying of my life as I battled feelings of isolation and despair, not to mention suicidal ideation.

 PRO: My friends. Most of my friends have been very supportive and understanding of my situation, they even humoured me in attending a party I threw so that they could take down my Christmas tree in May because I hadn’t been able to muster the energy to do it myself.

There was the bunch of lovely people who ran a relay of checking in when things were looking particularly grim. And one lady in particular, who we shall call Faith, who did her best to get me out, and about, and away from the fog that is my depression; and tried to help me to understand and to analyse my condition as the first step in learning how to beat it.

I think it’s no exaggeration to say that it if it wasn’t for these people I wouldn’t be sitting here today to writing this list.

 CON: False friends. At the beginning of the year I was relying very heavily on one particular person who assured me that he cared about me, that we were great friends, and that he was going to do whatever he possibly could to help me. No matter what.

It turned out that none of this was actually the case. He was simply using my vulnerabilities to feed his own ego. Thinking that I needed him and that he was the only one who could help me made him feel important, and allowed him to tell himself that he was really a good a person; which in fact he wasn’t.

I think he also quite liked the fact that it got him laid.

But anyway, he bored with supporting me pretty quickly and then simply began ignoring me. It seems that he has completely forgotten all the things that he had promised to do for me. He decided that my illness was a character flaw that he didn’t need burdening his life, and although we still see each other socially he’s barely spoken to me since.

Now that I am feeling stronger I can see that this is a good a thing. His presence in my life had probably been counter productive from the beginning, my condition deteriorated more quickly once I became involved with him, and improved more rapidly upon his exit. But at the time I was exceptionally hurt by it, and I’m definitely still feeling the impact when it comes to trusting people.

PRO: Train Guy. In August I began dating a wonderful guy who I met by chance on a train. We had some lovely times together, and although I eventually decided that I just wasn’t mentally or emotionally ready to have this blossom into a steady relationship he did a lot to help heal my faith in people and to rebuild some of my self-esteem. I kept looking for the catch but it never came, Train Guy is unfailingly sweet and proved to me that there really are some people who want nothing from you but your company and happiness.

CON: My work situation. Strange that my working environment should have had such a detrimental effect on my life and well-being this year, as I took the first three months off as annual leave, was signed off for four months in April, and then returned in July only to be signed off sick again in September and I haven’t been in since.

However, for the few months that I was showing up there the pressure that was put on me was enough to undo almost all the progress that I had made since the beginning of the year. So, I am now involved in a costly, lengthy process to gain some redress for the way that I was treated.

PRO: Natalie Portman. Getting Natalie Portman has definitely been one of the highlights of my year, she is absolutely adorable. Cute, furry, soft, playful, petulant. And makes me at the very least get out of bed to feed her every morning. As well as diving into my arms for hugs when she thinks I’m spending too much time online.

Having someone to worry about besides myself has definitely been good for my mental health. And I feel like a proud parent when she does things like work out how to play fetch all by herself, of to run off with one of my shoes when she sees that I’m getting ready to go out.

CON: I’ve been living in limbo. Due partly to my work situation, partly to my ongoing depressions and PTSD, for most of this year my life has been on hold. All the things that I wanted to do, all the progress that I should have made couldn’t happen because I had to sort out my poorly brain first, and then my employment situation. This frustrates me because I turn thirty next year, and I wanted to make the end of my twenties count; to catch up on all the things that I told myself that I would have done by now.

PRO: I discovered that I can write. Well, maybe, at least a little bit. I’ve received some very nice comments about some of my posts that have really helped me to feel better. Most of all my writing has been a useful outlet for some of the things that have been swirling about in my brain and bugging me. And when I made a little bit of money from it that was just the icing on the cake.

And through writing I came to this blog, and through blogging I’ve discovered the blogging community, which is full of wonderful, interesting, clever, and supportive people. I’m so glad that I found you all here.

And a final PRO, because it’s always best to end things on a high note, I’ve been offered a wonderful opportunity, that I wasn’t even looking for to go and work in China, for at least a year, starting in February. Now that’s the sort of exciting adventure that might help me to find my way back to the old me.