When I Was Younger, So Much Younger Than Today…

Some times I find it hard to ask for help.

It’s not that help is hard to come by, for me at least. The standard things that one would normally need help with, like moving house, getting to the hospital with a broken leg, making it to the airport for stupid o’ clock in the morning, and changing light bulbs that I can’t reach, people have all volunteered for.

People lend me things that I need to borrow, fix my gadgets when they’re broken, and sponsor me for the most trifling of sporting exertion. They forward me information about job vacancies and put in a good word for me where they work.

When I lose things, people will search their homes to make sure I haven’t left them there, even though they know before they start looking that the thing will be right in front of my face.

I didn’t even have to ask more than one person if they would mind being nominated, under my advance directive, as being  in charge of making any medical decisions that might need to be taken on my behalf in the, not at all unlikely, event that I ever lack the capacity to make them for myself.

But some things just seem too much to ask.

Like, ‘Can you help me find the will to live? I seem to have misplaced it somewhere’.

Calling someone up out of the blue in the hope that they might be able to supply me with a reason to go on living because I can’t quite seem to find any of my own today sounds so hugely unreasonable when I rehearse the scenario in my brain.

And the more I try to rephrase it the more unpalatable it sounds.

The leaden weight of emptiness feels just too heavy to share. A care too great to be put, unbidden, upon just one person.

So, rather than ask another person, and then another, and then another, until there are enough shoulders to manage the burden, I don’t say anything, to anyone, at all.

 

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12 Comments on “When I Was Younger, So Much Younger Than Today…”

  1. doyourememberthattime February 11, 2013 at 7:22 PM #

    this is exactly how i feel. somthings are just to big a burden to share. i wish i could gwt pased my guilt & shame, but i just can’t.

    Like

    • makeupandmirtazapine February 12, 2013 at 6:00 PM #

      I’m sorry to hear that you feel this way too. Therapy has helped me a bit. Medication quite a lot. I hope you find something that’s helpful to you.

      Like

  2. Kez September 13, 2012 at 7:44 AM #

    It is so hard to ask for help when you’re hurting or feeling depressed. So much more difficult than asking for help with the practical, more tangible things in life. I am sorry that you find it so hard, but I am glad you have this blog with which to express yourself. Today in Australia it’s RUOK day, an initiative where we are all encouraged to ask those we care about if they’re OK. Sometimes doing the asking instead of expecting someone to come to us can make all the difference in a person’s will to live – as you know it’s SO hard to ask for that kind of help/listening ear. You should definitely check out the hashtag #RUOKDay and have a google. It’s already made me feel great to be asked. I’m going to ask you: Are You OK? I am just an email away (so I don’t spam you my email details are on my blog page). BIg hugs x

    Like

    • makeupandmirtazapine September 13, 2012 at 9:07 PM #

      I’m OK. I think. I’m just feeling a bit lost and fragile at the moment.

      Thank you for your support, it’s very much appreciated. And I like the sound of this RUOK day. We should have something like that over here! Thank you x

      Like

  3. The Reclining Gentleman September 13, 2012 at 6:45 AM #

    The time when you most need to ask for help is the time when asking for help is hardest <3

    Like

  4. Grace September 13, 2012 at 3:53 AM #

    I know how you feel. It’s easier to keep it inside than to share it. Besides, words can’t quite express how you’re feeling and unless a person has been there, they can’t really understand… through no fault of their own.
    I wish I could help you find the will to live. I pray that you will find it so that you can stop hurting. Your words have touched me deeply, because I know that vacuum inside all too well and it is a terrible place to be. But just know that no matter how dark it seems now, the light will shine again. You will get there. You will!
    In the meantime, I find it helps to keep busy and to have a creative outlet, or two or three…

    Like

    • makeupandmirtazapine September 13, 2012 at 8:59 PM #

      Thank you, I appreciate it.

      It’s times like these that the, ‘One may not reach the dawn save by the path of the night’, tattoo was designed for.

      I will try something creative. Maybe start making my Christmas cards. Or paint the cat.

      Like

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